I KNOW THAT YOU ALL LOVE ME AND THAT ITS HARD TO UNDERSTAND: I LOVE YOU ALL BUT I ALSO LOVE MY FIGHTS AND MYSELF …..
I will never throw away my life again that it is not worth anything. I have accepted my situation and I’m not going to let others push me to lose everything.
No medicine in the world will get you to understand me is words that I want to throw back when people don’t understand me. I have fought so much and so long to get to where I am today. I have, during the course of the journey failure more than you can count. More than you will ever understand. I have on many occasions had the will to end my life because I have felt so useless. Have always known that other people do everything and I can do nothing. I have cut my arms and legs. I have visible scars all over my body after razor blade. I have been on very strong medications for many years. I have been fighting with myself and my demons for a very long time. I have always had the will to never give up and that is why I am here today. For that I have the driving force to maintain everything that I have fought for. I have finally found my inner peace which I never thought was possible.
The sad thing is that there are many people who want me to just throw away everything that I have fought for all these years. People who do not see the seriousness of it all. As all the time presses me, and I shall take steps to the directions that may do that I lose everything. Life is full of challenges and many are from ourselves, however, comes from other people.
Today I am a mother and I get my day to day life to go around. Compare with how it has been before. How I was as a person 20 years ago ?
I will not go in to I have been pressured again to all the time seek what other people think I should do. It will never be good enough and the press will never run out. On the other hand, is not going to leave what I have achieved in my journey just because other people do not understand.
Seriously, so why should it not suffice that I have a functioning everyday life?
I feel good today. I have found my way to survive.
So before you push me to reflect a little on who it really is, and think intelligently here ?
I eat no medications today except for my thyroid. I have done everything in my power that I would be medicine free. I have been working for several years with myself to get to where I am today. I am happy and proud of myself because I know how much I have struggled. You raise the bar all the time for me and you requires all the time more and more. This is as high as I can give you, however, most myself. Do you have a problem with it, so can you actually have it. I am doing what is best for me and my son.
See my whole journey through life, or choose to ignore it. It is up to you. What you do and what you think based on my best and worst days.It feels like I may hide myself when I have my better days so that you do not see them. Do you see them as will all of the requirements. It hurts the most when I’ve had a good period of time and that your requirements will then. It is understood from me that I’m not worthy to feel so good. I am worthy to feel good but not so much. You try to twist and turn on everything and you are like a tornado in there, that I, during all these years finally received the order on. I feel that it would be easier for you if I was and lived in indifference. Then, it would have been easier for you to understand. I’m not going to change me because it will be easier for you. I live in the here and now.
I am ….
And its still not good enough for you?
I live in the here and now ……
I feel good and I’m happy …..